5 People You Meet In Hell

1. People who don’t keep left on escalators

I don’t think it should be illegal to be a horrible bastard and stand on the right hand side of the escalator and block passage like you’re Gandalf and everyone else is a Balrog but it should be legal to poke people who do that right in the eye. Not too hard, but hard enough that it pushes the eye back a little and hurts them. You know when that happens and your eye feels like it’s a bouncy ball from one of those bouncy ball machines at the mall and you can’t open your eyelids for a little bit? It should be legal to hurt them in the eye just that much. I don’t know what’s so hard about using an escalator, keep left and the escalator does the rest. That’s literally the only thing you have to do: get on it and keep left. Even if you are having a conversation with your friend. If they stand behind you, you can still talk to them by turning to your right a little bit and then people can get past you and everyone feels good about being on the escalator. And while we’re making escalators better for everyone who uses them can people who don’t keep left and instead decide to walk on the right hand side not stop as the escalator reaches the end. Because then everyone has to stop for a little bit and then I’m at least 3 seconds further away from where I have to go and that’s unacceptable.

2. People who yell ‘run, Forrest, run’ at people who are running

I used to live in Erskineville above a dry cleaners that was literally 50 metres from the train station. The train took 7 minutes to get from my station to the city station and my uni was another 50 meters from there. I could get up 15 minutes before my class and still make it to uni on time. Which meant I was always late because I could have lived in the lecture hall and I would still have been late because I like sleeping. I also got really fat because I only had to walk 100 metres a day and I used to eat whatever was on ‘quick sale’ at the local supermarket and that was usually pringles, noodles and tim-tams. (Not mixed together.) One day, I got up with only 10 minutes to spare (because, sleeping) and I had to run to the train. As I was running to the train some hipster with a latte yelled at me. He yelled, ‘run, Forrest, run!’ And a part of me hopes he’s dead now. And that part goes from my head to my everywhere. Because that’s the worst thing you can yell at someone who is running. It’s never funny, it’s the worst thing ever. I think we should start using ‘run-forrest-runs’ to rank how bad things are. A stubbed pinky toe on a wall corner? That’s 0.12 run-forrest-runs. Death of a spouse? 0.50 run-forrest-runs. 9/11? 0.9 run-forrest-runs. And nothing exceeds or is equal to 1 run-forrest-run because a run-forrest-run is the worst thing that could ever happen and that’s when someone yells, ‘run, Forrest, run’ at people who are running.

3. People on public transport who sit on the edge of the seat when the rest of the seat is free

‘A bag is not a person and your imaginary friends are in my seat.’ It’s tough to muster the courage to say this to people who sit right on the end of a seat on the bus when there is space at the window. It happens way more on trains. And these people are terrifying. Their obvious lack of empathy for their fellow man would make a Milat’s butt pucker. I always feel rude when I swallow my fear of death and ask them to move over so I hardly ever ask. I just try to make them notice that I want to sit down. And they always avoid eye contact. You stand near them for awhile and look around the train/bus/maxi-taxi in the hope that they will see you and move over but they never do. They just stare blankly ahead and they are probably thinking about killing everyone. Because they don’t care about human suffering. They lack empathy. They are empathy-less. Where most people direct debit a small amount of money each week to children in Africa, these people have children in Africa direct debit a small amount of money each week to them. They are monsters and I don’t like telling them to move their bags because it probably has a head in it. And when there isn’t a bag between them and the window, just empty space, they are probably saving that empty space for the corpse of the first person who asks them to move. They scare me.

4. People who hate things because other people like them

Defining yourself is important and sometimes people do that by being a douchebag and hating on awesome stuff for no reason other than other people think it’s awesome. And usually it is awesome. Like Lady GaGa songs. They are awesome because they aren’t trying to be high art, they are trying to be pop songs and they are awesome pop songs. And people hate them because they want to look like they are better than the people who like Lady GaGa for some reason. There are real reasons to not like Lady GaGa or other things that people might like but you can always tell when the ‘like-haters’ are only hating on what people like because people like it. I have a friend who didn’t like The Avengers but he had real reasons why it wasn’t the movie for him and I know he wasn’t ‘like-hating’ because he likes heaps of stuff and some of that stuff is very popular. I’m not talking about people who don’t like popular things, I’m talking about people who don’t like popular things because they are popular. Like how sometimes people are talking about how good Forrest Gump is and then that guy who ‘hates everything everyone likes’ says he hates it because it’s ‘obvious’ and ‘boring’ and then everyone hates him and that makes him happy because he feels like an individual. But he isn’t, he’s just a big wobbly penis with a face and arms who keeps trying to ruin everything for everyone because he thinks that makes him smarter than other people. He thinks if he can make everyone realise that he can see what others can’t then they will see he is better than them and everyone will respect him. But we don’t, we respect Lady GaGa and Tom Hanks and hate his like-hating ways. And I say ‘he’ because it’s nearly always a guy and I have no idea why that is. Maybe I don’t hang around enough girls or maybe guys get more joy out of acting like big wobbly penises. Probably both.

5. People who ‘tsk’ service people for doing their job

I was buying a shirt once when I was fat from pringles, noodles and tim-tams (mixed together) and needed a fat person’s shirt. And as I was paying, a lady rushed into the shop and asked the service person what time they closed. ‘4 o’clock,’ he said. And the lady ‘tsk-ed’ him and left. And I said, ‘she seemed nice.’ And he didn’t laugh because that lady had just ‘tsk-ed’ his soul to death. It was very upsetting. Full disclosure: I’m a ‘tsk-er’. It pops out sometimes and I like ‘tsk-ing’. It makes me feel better than whatever I am ‘tsk-ing’. And that’s what a ‘tsk’ is meant to do. I don’t ‘tsk’ often but sometimes a smart ‘tsk’ is exactly what’s needed so I don’t hate people who ‘tsk’. I hate when people misuse the ‘tsk’. Because the ‘tsk’ is a very powerful vocal utensil. And with great power comes great responsibility. It wasn’t the service person’s fault that the store closed at 4. In fact, he did a pretty good job because he answered her question properly. And she ‘tsk-ed’ him for it and then he didn’t laugh at my joke because she had clearly destroyed his will to live. And people might say that she was ‘tsk-ing’ the store’s closing time and not the employee and she might have been but she could have said, ‘thank you’and made it obvious. A smart ‘tsk’ at the store’s closing time and then a ‘thank you’ to the service person would have made everything better and then he would have laughed at my joke and everyone would have felt better about everything. So I don’t ‘tsk’ people who are just doing their job, I ‘tsk’ people who ‘tsk’ people who are just doing their job. And that let’s them know I think I’m better than them. And that’s the best.